And I have no compass
And I have no map
And I have no reasons
No reasons to get back
In August I had a surgery from which the recovery time was just over six weeks. For most of those weeks I wasn't thinking too clearly but eventually I began to feel like myself again and it afforded me a lot of time to think about things.
What do you want?
A lot of the time I thought about doing house work, or little projects around the house. Ultimately I didn't do to much about that because I was still pretty weak, and tired easily. Other than cooking a bit, and cleaning up after that, I didn't accomplish much on my wish list.
What do you want?
Once I returned to work the commute was overwhelming. It required 2+ hours each work day, regardless of whether I traveled by public transit or drove. During that time I was definitely weak but I looked fine. My husband suggested I carry a cane to give me courage to ask for a seat but carrying it around when I didn't need it seemed like it might be a hindrance. It was rough at first but as I got stronger it became easier.
What do you want?
Commuting by public transit gives you a lot of time to think. Most of the time I was thinking things like, "What's that smell?" "What's that liquid? Is it liquid?" "Why are we stopped in this tunnel for twenty minutes (when we are supposed to speed right through without stopping)?" There were several hiccups on the BART system during those few weeks and I felt it was eating up my time. I was bitter. After my surgery I became really protective of my time. I built into my schedule a lot of rest time. I declined invitations. BART was erasing my self-care cushion. It was very frustrating but I still had to get to work.
What do you want?
I worked as a Records Administrator for the same law firm for nearly 15 years. It was a great job and I worked with wonderful people. By the nature of the job I was unable to work remotely. For many years I was able to reconcile the time spent on my commute with the benefits of such a great job. Lately I had been thinking I might want something different.
What do you want?
In September U2 kicked off the European leg of their innocence + experience tour. In the city of Torino they added Zooropa to their setlist. The song includes the refrain, "What do you want?" As with many U2 songs there are lots of ways to interpret lyrics but for me, for here, for now, 'what do you want?' commanded my attention. It required an answer.
What do you want?
Years ago, when Jeff & I still lived in the outerlands of San Francisco's west side, a dear, dear, friend approached me about joining with her in her fiduciary business. At the time I couldn't see how it made sense. I didn't have a car and I couldn't see how I would get to her (non-public-transit-adjacent) office in Lafayette. Though genuinely flattered, I declined. It wasn't an easy decision but logistically I didn't see how to make it work.
What do you want?
Recently I asked my friend if that was still an option. She was open to the idea. While it was a transition I hoped might be in the works for a few months, it turns out to be great time for her to bring someone on. Now. How soon can I start?
What do you want?
I gave notice at my job with the law firm. It wasn't easy. However, knowing I gave myself at least twelve new hours a week makes me giddy. Getting home before seven at night is an experience I will definitely enjoy.
What do you want?
At the very least, I should have a little more time to write. I have a bunch of drafts (mostly from stuff I've cooked) waiting for me. Keep an eye on this site. I have a lot to say. While I am excited for new opportunities, beginning a new career is daunting. There are unknown new challenges just around the corner for me.
Uncertainty can be our guiding light.